This was written in 2007 for a health class presentation in college that I (clearly) wasn’t taking seriously at all. I got an A anyway.

Everything in America has become a business, from the arts to food to sex to health to life and death itself. In the land where cash is king, everyone is out to make a buck, and the only way to do so is to get that buck from the next guy. But how does one convince that guy to give you his hard-earned dollar? You’ve got to figure out what he needs or desires most, and what better way to do so than to tell him what he needs or wants? If you’re the one dictating the demand, it is certainly easy to produce the supply.

That’s where a corporation comes in. They use a brilliant little thing called advertising to bombard you 24/7 with images of seemingly happy and beautiful people completely satisfied with the world and their station in life because they lead you to believe that these people are only happy and beautiful and satisfied because of the schlock they’re peddling. But let’s all be honest for a minute here. Who here is completely happy with themselves? Who feels completely secure in their appearance? Their intelligence? The sound of their voice? The way they walk? There’s always something we’d like to improve in ourselves, and one of the main reasons for this insecurity is the simple fact that there’s no money in happiness.

So why do we listen? Well, for starters, it certainly sounds like a fair enough deal – I am loved and accepted by everyone if I simply purchase this product. I’m not sure if I really desire said product, but I do desire the promised result, so off I go to slave away for Corporation A who pays me minimum wage so that I can save up and buy the new car/hair extensions/breast implants/all-in-one gym/designer jeans/etc. provided by Corporation B who has paid Corporation A the chunk of change they should have been paying me for my hard work to bombard the television program/internet site/magazine of your choice with ads that convince me that I need to be a little less like me and a little more like the skinny, beautiful, handsome, sexy, intriguing, charming, witty, and let’s not forget completely stupid, misinformed, and brainwashed consumer they’ll profit from most.

It sounds like a big conspiracy theory, I know, but just step into your local mall and observe. Who adorns the giant banners at the Gap or Abercrombie and Fitch? People who are paid a fortune to look a hell of a lot better than you. Assumingly, what is suggested by hanging these professionally shot, developed, Photoshopped, and airbrushed images in these windows is that if you simply purchase the products so kindly provided at such ludicrous prices within, your peers and other onlookers alike will mentally associate this store’s beauty with your own, and since so many other people seem to have already followed suit, you better start applying for a minimum wage job at the mall so you can afford the clothing at the very same mall, so as not to stand out and be ridiculed.

But maybe standing out is your “thing.” Maybe you’d rather be the dark, mysterious, Johnny Depp-sexy over the hunky, muscular Brad Pitt-sexy. That’s just fine, because we’ve got a store for you, too! Hot Topic will provide you your hip, edgy look at about the same price so that you can be as unique and different as the thousands of other kids wearing the exact same t-shirts nationwide. That way, you’ll be fitting in no matter what you do. But don’t fret if you can’t afford to spend $70 on a pair of khakis or $75 on a pair of oversized pants with chains and zippers stuck to the sides – there’s always Old Navy, owned by the same parent company as the Gap and Hot Topic, who can provide similar child-labor produced product at a comparatively lesser cost – just don’t eat at the food court or you won’t able to fit into any of these clothes in the first place.

Ah yes, the food court…you distinctly remember Justin Timberlake and other model citizens enjoying Big Macs and fries and “lovin’ it” in those clever commercials, yet as you scan the uncomfortable, overcrowded dining area, you strangely do not see the beautiful people munching on mini garden salads and humming catchy jingles. In fact, you can’t really see many people at all because there’s a 300-pound man in front of you struggling to fit into his seat so he can enjoy his Taco Bell value meal with diet Coke.

Maybe now it starts to dawn on you. Maybe it’s the fact that you can’t fit into anything in The Rave (another trendy name that’s hip with the kids these days) because they only seem to carry size 00 anymore. Maybe it’s the puking sounds you heard in the restroom. Maybe it’s that two-week paycheck that paid for that acne treatment that only succeeded in turning your cheeks a lovely shade of neon pink for a week-and-a-half. Or maybe it’s that fat guy’s diet Coke that makes you realize that the word “diet” doesn’t belong on an aluminum can containing caffeinated, sugar-loaded, factory-processed syrup. Whatever it is, you begin to feel taken advantage of. This feeling is perfectly normal, and I assure you – you do not need to start a fight club to rectify the situation. There are other ways you can look however it is you want to look.

First of all, be honest with yourself. Do you really want to be like Rachel Bilson, or does that just seem like a good idea because Cosmopolitan said so? Let’s take a look at this quote from an awe-inspiring interview with her I found in a recent issue:

Cosmo: What do you think is sexy?
Rachael: The guy has to be funny. He can be Screech, but if he makes you laugh, you’re like, “You’re kind of cute.” And they have to wear the right shoes…like the right pair of tennis shoes…cool ones. I can’t explain it, but you can meet a guy and you see his shoes and you’re like, “Oh no!”

Now that is someone I aspire to be someday – a self-absorbed simpleton who judges not by the color of their skin or by the merit of their character but by the make and model of their tennis shoe. She may be sexier, but at least I can tie my own tennis shoe without hitting my head on the way down. Joking aside, though, I know I’m never going to be Brad Pitt – my forehead is much too big and I’m prone to blow over if there’s a heavy gust of wind. But the key to a better self-image isn’t emulation; it’s realistic goal setting. It’s finding your positive traits and honing them – not buying yourself more useless shit you don’t need.

The second thing to remember is that instant gratification is almost instantly crap. Sure, the pills from the diet store in the mall claim to build muscle in a matter of weeks, but if it really made Bruce Banner look like the Incredible Hulk, don’t you think you’d see a lot more jolly green giants roaming around? And all these low-carb diets are suggested by the very same magazines that throw all these images of gorgeous models in your face, yet neglect to inform you of what the staff writers look like. Dieting takes time and can start with as simple an action as going home and cooking a meal yourself instead of picking it up in a doggie bag passed through a little window. Maybe keeping a diet journal is something you just don’t have time for – try substituting a burger with a chicken salad. It’s the little things that make the little differences over time – not the drastic, savior-in-a-bottle solutions that lead to hospitalization over time.

And my last piece of advice is really more of an observation – we’re all in the same boat, so just grab your oar and start rowing. We are not the freaks – the girls on the silver screen and guys in the black-and-white underwear ads are. We don’t get paid to look good and hock completely unnecessary and overpriced products, so of course we’re not going to look like that. We work our asses off 9-5 at greasy fast food joints for slave wages or stay up countless nights in a row preparing presentations for finals week. They’re called “supermodels” for a reason – they’re super-human and quite possibly grown in a secret government laboratory in the Arizona desert. Britney Spears may look like crap now, but after a few months with a personal trainer and millions of dollars worth of corporate backing, she’ll be ready to sell out arenas across the States all over again. Hell, with that kind of money, I could look like her if they wanted me to.

The truth is, we all have little things we’d change about ourselves, and maybe some big things too, but I can also guarantee you that those things really don’t matter as much as you’d think to the next person. Ladies, if you’re a size 0, does that mean that you’re even really there? If it’s so hard for women with curves to find mates, then how were these women born in the first place? They had to have inherited those hips from someone, and that someone obviously had to have had a partner for her to be amongst the living.

Diet and exercise because it’s good for you and it’ll extend your lifespan – not because it’ll extend your likelihood for superstardom. Maybe your breasts will be big enough for Hollywood or your muscles will be ripped enough for the cover of Men’s Journal (Who the hell reads that anyway?), but you’ll never be wearing the right pair of tennis shoes; I can assure you of that.